Gay Restaurant – Web Redemption – Tosh.0


Colin Dewberry and his
partner Kelly Williams say they have lived in East
Texas their whole lives and have never been called that. She said that, “We don’t
serve”–can I say– “fags here.” “We don’t serve fags here.” Then the waitress continued,
they say. “Here at Big Earl’s, we like for
men to act like men and for ladies to act like
ladies.” That phrase is posted on the
front door of the restaurant. That’s just not appropriate
in a family restaurant that has a sign on the front
door, that we just don’t do that here. And that waitress who used
a derogatory term– that’s Earl’s daughter. She’s a young lady,
didn’t know what else to say, and they finally–
they just just kept going, she finally said–and she said,
“We just don’t like fags.” Well, if you don’t want to
attract the gays, maybe don’t name your restaurant Big Earl’s. Those hungry hungry homos are
Colin and Kelly, and when they tried to have a meal at a
bait shop, they were served a Texas-sized helping
of hate speech. What those boys do in the
privacy of a public restroom is their business. Unless they were trying to pay
with blowjobs, Big Earl can go eff himself. I love going out to fancy
restaurants because I know none of my fans can afford
to come harass me there. And please, don’t ask me if I
have a reservation. Do you have a television? Ah, this
is my reservation for the most private table in
the house. And thanks in advance
for comping the meal. I don’t mind a wait-list,
as long as they give you one of those vibrators to sit on
until your table is ready. And knock it off with the
communal seating. If I wanted to eat dinner
with a half dozen strangers, I’d spend time with my family. And yes, I’m aware that all
ranch dressing is at least 20% busboy semen. That’s why I always
order extra. Restaurants have the right to
refuse anyone service. They fought for it during the
Restaurant Wars ofTop Chef.So if a hole in the wall
in Texas won’t accept Colin and Kelly,
I’m sure there are plenty of holes in the wall in
Hollywood that will, in this week’s web redemption. [playing kazoo]
State your name and your business! We mean no harm. We’ve been chased out of town
for being gay. Mind if we warm ourselves
by your fire? Why, hell, yeah, sit down. Unless you’re too sore from
doing all that butt stuff. I’m toasting arborio rice
for some risotto. We are very hungry. It’s gonna be about 45
minutes. You just got to keep stirring. Looks good. Well, it’s gonna taste
a lot better. How did you two meet? We met on Grindr. Did you really? Yes. We are a Grindr success story. What I like is Grindr
in a small town where just two lights pop up. He’s right! It’s like, “all right.” Well, what’s life like for you
now? Life is a hollow shell of
what it used to be. Before, we were just innocently
gay. Oh, are we praying? We’re praying. Yes. What is the gay population
of your area? Three closeted, maybe,
and me and kelly. Maybe? Have you been there before? No, this was the first time. Highly recommended restaurant. To my family. Your family has their own
agenda. Yeah, I think so. You like a hearty breakfast? I do. If I give you the choice
between sausage, bacon– what do you do? Sausage. Sausage. Both, and then gravy on top. No, I’m not a fan of that
at all. Are you a real Texan? No, I am not. As a matter of fact, I’m not
even a big fan of the state. Why do you guys live there? By choice. Yeah. You know you could live
in LA or New York, right? Right. And just be embraced. What does your total bill
come to? It comes to, like, $16
or $17. Oh, you didn’t have orange
juice. No, we didn’t order the
orange juice. They were out. That’s the most offensive
thing I’ve heard about this entire story. When did she say this to you? Okay, she said this as we’re
coming out, so it was, like, a lukewarm service while we were
there. And then she says what? “Here at Big Earl’s,
we like for men to act like men and we like for ladies to act
like ladies, so I’m gonna ask that you never come back. We don’t serve fags here.” Now is there any chance
she could’ve said, “we don’t have figs”? Because they were out of orange
juice. Figs are out of season that time
of year. And the only thing I could
think that really ticked ’em off was, it was, like, we were
sharing a plate of french toast. It was, like, dead-center. Oh, that is queer. God damn it! I tell you what, I’ll throw this
out. I won’t serve you guys bad
risotto. No. How does a woman act like a
lady? What does that mean? Well, a man’s supposed to be
a leader. A man’s supposed to stand up
and be a leader. Kelly, was this more on you? Were you not acting like a man? I don’t know what you’re
talking about. By the way, what kind of
footsies were you playing underneath the table? No footsies. Nothing? Nothing. I thought they implied that
you guys were doing some, like, leg rubbing and stuff. Big Earl says it was their
behavior, touching legs, that was against policy–
not their sexual orientation. I like to think it was the
most hardcore footsie they’d ever seen in their life. You know, like, two feet,
just like… Double footsies in any place
is inappropriate. I mean, you got to work up to
that. You know that “saggy pants”
is just code for “black people,” right? Yeah. Do you have a job,
or are you in school? He’s the assistant manager
of a produce department. He works at a convenience store
at night, and he’s full-time at school. And then what do you do? I’m an aspiring
singer/songwriter. Ha! That’s–that’s kind of my
focus right now. Do you guys feel because you
went through this, and it was so publicized, that you’re almost
forced to stay together now? Suddenly, like, me and kelly
were this representative thing of something way bigger, and
it’s just, like, no, we’re not. We’re just gay. We’re just cute gays. It–you know, it’s like–
are we praying again? Yeah, let’s do it again. Let’s do it again. Big Earl is intolerant. That’s why I bought you your own
restaurant right next door. Thank you, Tosh! Thank you! It’s East Texas. A storage unit in LA costs
more. We’re gonna run him out of
business. We can call it
“[bleep] you Big Earl’s.” Or “Big Earl has a tiny
dick.” Okay, all right. Those are not good names
for a restaurant. I’ve got a better idea. Daniel! How do, boys. Just came to check in on my
investment. Things are looking real good
around here. We have cloth napkins. Oh, that’s fancy! And a dj imported from rage
in West Hollywood. We found a local artist that
does nothing but nude photos of Big Earl. Well, it really compliments
the place. All right, I need an order
of throat meat with a side of balls on my chin,
hold the gag reflex and spray it on my face. One johnny football,
comin’ up. Well, it is very progressive
in here. You guys have done a wonderful
job. You should really be proud
of yourself. My mouth is watering. I tell you what,
I’d like a table out on the patio. Oh, Daniel, that’s our
colored section. What? Colored section. Table for two. We don’t serve mixed loads
here. Don’t want no trouble. Just turn around and get! What is wrong with you
people? It’s still Texas. All: Texas forever! We killed J.F.K. Yee-haw. Nobody’s firebombed
the Dallas Buyers Club and grill yet, so I consider it
a success.

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